I’ll follow thee and make a heaven of hell; To die upon the hand which I love so well.
– A Midsummer Night’s Dream, William Shakespeare
Just like the moon, we go through phases.
So here is a random appreciation post when I went through a serious 90s grunge/gothic chill phase. Aka the loneliest period in my life, which turned out to be the year of biggest growth for me as an individual. I was always a loner in a way but I was never lonely because I enjoyed being on my own. Fall of 2016 was the first time I felt completely alienated. Being different is awesome until you are unable to relate or open up to anyone. During this time, I also questioned my sexuality. I thought I was asexual forever. Call it depression, anxiety, despair. Call it whatever you want. I was completely isolated by choice from my peers, outgrowing many of my friends, discovering the horrible truths about our world and becoming stagnant in my career. A dose of reality knocked me off my feet. Just so… lost.
I began wearing dark lipstick/black clothing while citing comeback lines from Wednesday Addams and rewatching Daria on MTV. Chopped off my hair. My nails were painted black. I wore chokers, not as a fashion statement, but to reminisce the emo middle school days. I recovered my old playlist from the early 2000s, Simple Plan, Green Day, Taking Back Sunday, Hawthorne Heights, The Used…
The Comeback Season
I liked being a cold vampiress who you didn’t want to mess with. I relinquished in being the girl who was dressed for a funeral. I took pride in scaring off men and boys alike. Girls I didn’t really care for at this time. I didn’t give a shit about anything except art, books, and music. I was intimidating, unattached, unapproachable. Had my weed guy on speed dial though. He would always hook me up because he was mad crushing. Good times, good times. That phase is now over but it taught me a lot about myself. Now I’m in a better place. Moral of the story? Hang on. You’ll find your place and things get better. And hopefully, the light within you will never fade. Don’t let them diminish your shine.
Love and light.